I had to be at a party every weekend without a doubt, which was my only way of henjoyment (this is not a typo the ‘h’ on enjoyment gives it the punch it needs). The music blasting from the speakers and the vibrating of floors would do something to me. I remember early summer 2014, my friend and I hosted a rave, it was that day I met Judas. We shared a dance, the dance was beautiful, it was my best piece of art on the dance floor so far, the lights were off, nobody knew who was who, just allowing the music to move you in different ways… and that was when the timer of my doom started ticking away.

I became infatuated with him, but in a primary school I have a crush on a boy type of way. You know when you like a boy and everything is just lovely, soft, and innocent and you are picking petals off flowers saying,’ he likes me, he likes me not…. he likes me, OMG he must like me’? yes, in that way and he knew that. 

We had met a couple times through the summer of 2014 and in the beginning of year 11, through raves, gatherings and just passing by but always with a group of other people. He would just flirt with me secretly and not gonna lie I liked it. One night I was sleeping over at one of my girls house, her mother had gone to work, and Judas came over. It was me and him alone in the living room in the dark watching TV, I even redid his braids, it was a calm night nothing sexual. He had tried to kiss me on two occasions but I didn’t give in and he respected it, can’t be kissing no boy that is not my boyfriend no matter how much I liked him, because one, I am a shy person believe it or not and two, if I give you a piece of me that means I see something long term and we hadn’t really been around each other for me to be sure. AND THREE! The borough I lived in back then they were quick to call you a hoe for anything, so that fear always had me on edge.

The next time I saw Judas was the 31st of October 2014, Halloween night. I was on the coach back to London from an award ceremony. Knowing it was a Halloween night there was bound to be a rave, so I packed shorts just in case because jeans at a rave was not a good mix for wanting to feel free to dance. On the drive back, I snapped two of my friends to see where they were hanging out, let us just say they were all chilling around the high street of Echo Town. At that time, I HAD a male friend who was also friends with the later to be known as the perpetrator AKA Judas. We will call that friend Yusuf. Anyways everyone was chilling at Echo Town high street, lighting fireworks at each other, that was how Halloween was spent, there was no rave or motive to attend, so fun was a twisted version of ‘ Your IT’. After a while it died down, I remember there not being anything to do and we were all chilling inside a chicken and chips shop, my female friends, Yusuf, Judas, and me. Then after a while us girls went outside the shop. Judas had pulled me aside to ask me if I wanted to go back to his place to chill, I was hesitant so I asked my girls and they were like you should go, it’s just chilling. I agreed, it was just chilling, and we have spent time together before at my friend’s place and it was fine. It was around 11pm, my friends went home, and we made our way to his. He lived about 20 minutes away from Echo Town by bus, so it wasn’t far. 

As we got to his house, he asked me to wait outside he needed to sort something in his room, I guessed it was messy and laughed inside my head. Some time passed, he finally got me, and we went to his room. He went to have a shower and I got comfortable, I wore my shorts and just sat on the floor scrolling through my phone, carefree. He had come out of the shower and asked me why I was chilling on the floor and should chill on the bed, now the reason why I don’t sit on people’s beds without permission is that some people don’t like that especially if you’re coming from outside, if you know what I mean. So, I am on his bed with my legs stretched we are having small talk, he is moving around on top of his bed just fiddling with his Nike shoe box on top of the wardrobe and I’m not paying full attention, the lights are off at this point and I’m scrolling through Facebook. He finally sits beside me and he’s trying to play fight with me and get me to give him a kiss and I turned my head then he gets on top of me and tries to kiss me, I turned my head to the other side. Now I can feel he’s using his bodyweight to pin me on the bed and I’m trying to move. But I can’t. In my head there’s no alarm bells going off because I’m thinking this is his way for me to free up a kiss, not going to happen and I’m stubborn. In the time I had been turning my head left and right he had either pulled down his boxers or they were low which I didn’t know at the time. He’s pressing his weight against me and moving his hips. I said, ‘What are you doing’, but he’s just looking straight at me with no expression. I’m trying to push him off and his digging his body deep into me and for the life of me can’t understand what he’s doing because he’s no longer trying to kiss me but he’s not letting me go and my clothes are still on. 

‘Get off of me’ 

He is just maintaining the stare. 

‘Can you get off of me, please?’

He is just maintaining the stare, his weight it just digging deeper into me (no, he is not overweight, he just had more strength than me at that time)

‘Can you get off me-‘ then I froze, my body became stiff and I finally understood what he was doing he penetrated me through my shorts I tried to move and he just kept digging his body into my mine, I was in pain, he wouldn’t stop he kept digging, and digging and digging and digging and digging his body into mine using his weight to force himself onto me until the shorts was no longer a barrier. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach with fear and when he got in, I blanked out. My spirit left my body and just hovered on top watching my body being molested I didn’t move an inch and when he finished, he tossed the used condom to the corner on his room beside the door and got back in bed and feel asleep immediately. I didn’t move I could feel a trickle of blood I didn’t move I stared at the ceiling I was scared to move. I stayed in the same position till I heard the birds chirping.

The birds chirping was like a knock in my head, my life flashed before my eyes, and I started overthinking everything. I was panicking on the inside, but my body was lifeless. But inside in my brain I was thinking about who can I tell?, nah they’re not gonna believe me, bro who told you to go home with him?, bro how did I let this happen?, bro this is a dream, nah bro if I report I think he will finish me off, I can’t tell my mum she will blame me, I can’t tell my dad he will think I am an ashawo, I can’t tell my sister she’s too young and too heated it will go left, if people find out I am gonna become the pity party or the girl who called wolf, people are going to be chatting my name.

*My phone vibrates*

It’s a text message from my Spanish friend, we will call her Carina.

Carina was one of my friends who was free with herself, unjudgmental and a rider, something I didn’t take great value of then but understand now. 

Carina’s text was a lightbulb moment, now it’s not what she said it was just her name popping up.

My heart was racing a thousand miles, my brain was everywhere, I was in pain, and I just wanted to hide from the surface of the earth but something in my gut told me that my life was just about to be more dark, and I needed to prepare as best as I could.

At that time, I didn’t even allow the rape to start sinking in I couldn’t I was afraid, I had to put on my big girl pants and play safe. So, playing safe for me was me telling my girl that me and Judas had sex. If you came from the borough I grew up in, you may understand why I did what I did. We had some heartless bunch of teenagers in the ends that I lived in, and I just knew if I choose to be honest with myself and the world at that time, I think I wouldn’t be here today writing this blog.

Now why I choose to tell Carina that it was sex and not rape? I knew if I told her and people were talking, she would have my back, instead of looking at me sideways and she did have my back. Why I didn’t tell her it was rape was because she reminded me of my little sister, that girl, if she loves you, she will fight for you. I mean literally once she sees red, forget it. I wish I were honest with her from the beginning because when we were together, I felt safe, she had my BACK. Carina was a great friend, hands down! But I was at a point where life had been so twisted for me from family to friends, that ending my life was looking doable, so I needed myself to believe it was just sex more than the world, for MY MENTAL HEALTH. 

Somehow after that text message it gave me courage to get up whilst he was asleep. I put my trousers back on not taking my shorts off, just slipping off my bloody underwear through the shorts and I scrunched it up put in my white handbag that I had got from New Look for Boss Day. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him sleeping and talking to himself from time to time. I looked at him, around the room and then at the used condom just sitting in the corner of his room in between the door and the window, and I turned back and looked at him.

I tapped him. ‘Judas can you drop me to the bus stop?’

He is still sleeping.

‘Judas?’

Judas: ‘ Yh, I can’t find my £10 and it was there before I left you for a shower?’

Me: ‘ I didn’t take it.’

Judas:’ Well you aren’t leaving till I find it’, he then rolls over and continues to sleep.

Me: ‘ I’ll give you my £10, just take me to the bus stop.’ 

And he did just that he put his foot his black Airforce’s and led me out of his house ensuring that his family weren’t aware of my presence, through the kitchen into the back garden and to the bus stop where he demanded me for the £10 and I gave it. He smirked and said bye, kissed me on the cheek and went home. I said and did nothing.

I got home, my mother is just shouting at me asking about my whereabouts the night before. I said nothing and walked up the stairs. I open my bedroom door and my younger sister is asleep on my bed and she does this when she is scared of sleeping in her room. So, I don’t wake her up, I slowly shut my door not to disturb her and I go into her room, I climb up the bunk bed which had no bedding but a thin sheet, her bedroom window is wide open, and the wind is just bashing against them, and I just covered myself with the sheet and slept. I felt cold and empty on the inside and that is what I wanted to feel on the outside. I knew life was just about to get a whole lot worse and I just wanted to sleep.

And I did, I slept the whole day, the whole weekend.

I couldn’t face the world, I felt ashamed….

If you got to the end of this part of the story, I know there’s soo many questions and thoughts about this day. Even myself for a long time questioned a lot of events. But I guess if you read this far you might as well stick around and get to know me and understand my actions.

I just want you to listen to your favourite playlist. One of the songs I listen to on replay when I just need an uplift of my spirit is, ‘Yahweh ft Matthew Stevenson & Chandler Moore’. I don’t speak and I just think of Peace within the Storm.

So, I will see you at another day for another blog

&

Stay blessed xx