ENDZ OR BOUNDARIES?
Boundaries aren’t just barriers. They’re bridges to freedom. Whether you’re healing from trauma, protecting your mental space, or navigating work-life balance, boundaries allow you to choose yourself without guilt.
“Hey Sis !”,
“Hey Hayley !”,
I won’t ask how you’re doing if you’re currently living in a country where it’s hot 24/7. But to the rest of my sisters who live in a country that is just as confused as our period hormones, how are you doing?
I have got to protect those sisters even more!
I am joking ohhh.
But let’s get into this blog.
Right, so read this statement or quote that I wrote down below (well, you were going to read it anyway as its the next thing to read)
Boundaries aren’t just barriers — they’re bridges to freedom. Whether you’re healing from trauma, protecting your mental space, or navigating work-life balance, boundaries allow you to choose yourself without guilt.
You see, the thing is… is that I say boundaries allow you to choose yourself without guilt, but then I still sometimes feel guilty.
WAIT! WAIT!
I’m not being contradictory (I’m a bit), but listen, read what goes on in my brain.
So, because I know I can be both black and white, I’ve mentioned this before on several occasions. So, because I know I can be black and white, and also the fact that I’ve got “endz” living in me. I don’t know if sometimes I am doing too much with my boundaries.
Let me give you a story.
Tasha recently started a wellness brand alongside her full-time job. To get it off the ground, she invited a few work friends to help her manage things like content creation. In return, she offered them free access to products and exclusive perks, a small but meaningful gesture. It worked well at first. Everyone seemed excited and on board.
But after a while, Tasha noticed a shift. Messages went unanswered.
Contributions slowed. The once-buzzing group chat fell silent. She began to feel like a nuisance, as if she were asking for too much. Instead of pushing, she stepped back. She reminded herself that this wasn’t a formal agreement, just a few favours between friends.
So, she picked up the slack. Tasha began managing her affairs, including her voice, brand, and responsibilities. It was exhausting at first, but oddly freeing. She learned to move in silence, rediscovered her own pace, and didn’t look back.
One day at work, a colleague who had previously helped kept pushing to discuss the business during work hours. Tasha politely declined. Several times. She had drawn a line: no business talk during her 9–5. Work was work. It was the only way to protect her peace.
Still, the colleague persisted, frustrated that Tasha wouldn’t bend. But Tasha held her ground, and though it wasn’t easy, she walked away knowing she had chosen her peace over people-pleasing.
Cool. So now that the story’s in your head, just swap Tasha out for me.
For a long time, I let people overstep, understep, basically all types of stepping. I’d say nothing until I hit boiling point. Then? Full-on endz. All guns blazing.
But now I’m in the process of healing, loving myself, and setting boundaries. Still, I sometimes wonder if I’m being too harsh. Especially when I know I can get very emotional.
Let me break it down how Hayley Mulenda once explained it in her podcast with her partner (click this link for the full podcast).
It’s like the moment I feel disrespected, it’s all over. “Who do you think you are, chatting to me like that ?” & that’s anywhere. On the train, in Tesco, at work. Endz is ready.
But here’s the thing, I’m unlearning. So imagine me as Tasha. Now, imagine me trying to decide: Is this boundary setting? Or am I being too endz about it?
It’s moments like these that’s why I love journaling. Writing helps me make sense of the chaos in my head. And I’ve come to a conclusion that might help my fellow sisters from the endz 🥴🤣
If there is one thing that I realise when I look back, it is that I was a very friendly and easy-going person. You offend me, I’ll give you the endz, then I’ll forgive you and allow you to disrespect me again. Sometimes I didn’t give the endz, I just swept it until it piled up, and then I exploded, and friendship gone extinct.
However, as I grow up, I have become more observant of how people and friends around me set boundaries. Though at the beginning, in my head, I found that very weird and standoffish, it’s those boundaries that have kept a healthy friendship with respect.
Because it is something I am still developing, I often question myself.
Why?
Because I am very self-aware of how RUDE, when I am mean RUDE!.
I mean, my parents are both Ashanti people; no, correction, I believe my whole family is Ashanti with a mix of Caribbean heritage. (When I say mix, I mean a small teaspoon, don’t want any of my Jamaican friends to call me with chat 🤣)
Do you know how long our rudeness has been simmering in the pressure cooker? As in that rudeness falls right off the bone effortlessly! So, when I say I am very self-aware of how rude I can be, please don’t take it lightly.
@reddogsaloon_ When the smoke is PERFECT and the meat just falls off the bone!! 🔥🔥 #REDDOGSALOON #BBQ #LONDON #LIVERPOOL #SOUTHAMPTON #NOTTINGHAM ♬ Juicy (2016 Remaster) - The Notorious B.I.G.
I am not on a path to emulsify people; I am on a path that allows me to be around them. If we have disagreements, we can discuss them and maintain healthy relationships. You respect my boundaries, and I respect yours. Not to strike out immediately, and it’s all guns blazing with rudeness. I’ve outgrown the drama of secondary school. & I am no longer in that phase of needing to be seen in a certain way.
I’m a Black woman unlearning and learning.
However, I have learnt a few more things: sometimes it is not me, no, it is THEM.
Some people hate the fact that you have now picked up boundaries as your partner and would rather you have picked up Endz 24/7. Not saying endz is bad, but there’s a time and a place, and often endz 24/7? That’ll have you painted as the villain even when you’re just protecting yourself.
If you take my advice, you will go far.
So, yes, some people hate the fact that you’ve gained some self-respect and will go to great lengths to destroy what you’ve built. They will even paint a picture of you as that evil person who is creating problems. When, in reality, it’s you setting your peace and establishing boundaries so that you can continue to pour into that relationship wholeheartedly. If not, it becomes a situation where you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Or what ends up happening is that you end up going all guns blazing and proving their point to society, and guess who’s all frustrated?
And the moment you react, guess who gets labelled “aggressive”? You.
So, from what I have learnt in my 25 part 1 years and from the example I wrote above, is that you learn to set boundaries with every bloody person. Even your Pastor. Even your manager and especially your close people. Everyone. No exceptions. Don’t wait until things spiral to draw the line. Start early.
Two, letting go of people who aren’t serving your growth. Listen, don’t even use the fact that that person has helped you so much. Sis, if they have helped you soo much, why are they also making you feel disrespected and unhappy?
My friend, I have been there, done that, sooner or later, that ship will sink.
You cannot hold on to people who drag you down; you either cut it loose or be dragged.
Three, protecting your mental energy at work. Sis, in this day and age, we spend more bloody time at work than we spend anywhere. Set those boundaries early so you don’t have to spend your time trying to tame what you didn’t protect from the beginning. Don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Peace over pressure.
I’m not perfect. I’m still learning. But one thing I know for sure?
Boundaries don’t make you mean. They make you free.
& However they take it, let them take it… kmtttttt Kwasia
And with that being said…
You know how it goes. This blog has come to an end, and another is in the typing process.
So I will see you another day for another blog.
Stay blessed xxx
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