Let’s rewind to 24 hours ago in Ghana. I’d gone to get my hair done, and my friends had gone out to shop for the house. The day before, we discussed… well, we didn’t really discuss what we were getting from the shops, as I wouldn’t be coming. But I did mention water, “Omo” (washing powder), and any snacks they wanted. However, it wasn’t like we had a written list. In my head, I assumed we all understood we were just getting water, Omo, and any snacks they wanted.

So, fast forward – I’m nearly done with my hair, and I get an update on Splitwise. Splitwise is a great app for when you’re on holiday with friends and need to split cab fares, shopping, and whatever else you do together. It lets each person know how much is owed.

Anyway, back to the story: I get an update on Splitwise, and I see the grocery shopping is 530 cedis. Now, as a Ghanaian, I’m not doing the conversion – I’m treating 530 cedis as £530 because, if I don’t, that’s how we end up with no money on holiday. So, I’m thinking, “What on earth took all our money for just water?” They didn’t get the Omo, and I could have got it cheaper (I’m not a cheapskate, I just love a good bargain, even on holiday).

Straight away, my blood starts boiling. I go straight to the group chat and ask, “What did you lot buy?” Then I wait what feels like a century (but was probably only two minutes), and I call them. They proceed to explain, but I’m upset because in my head I’m thinking: we didn’t even discuss all these extra items. I thought it was just water and we’d get food from outside, because we weren’t planning to cook. On top of that, I felt they had been inconsiderate and hadn’t thought about my feelings. Who said I eat this stuff? I’m on a diet; I can’t eat this.

I felt so hurt that they hadn’t considered my feelings. The connection was bad, so all I heard was, “You’re actually pissing me off,” before the phone cut off. Ayy, now my blood is on fire and I’m furious. So, I start calling again, and one of them puts in the group chat, “From now on, we’re not doing anything without each other.” This makes me even angrier, as I think: why put that in the group chat? Why not message me privately?

Sis, don’t worry, I’m confused with myself too. I’m forgetting that I’m the one who started the message in the group chat, which is what made her respond like that.

Now I can’t get hold of them, and I’m rushing home to put them to shame. This is all my brain is processing right now.

I get home, knock on the door, and as soon as it’s opened, I push it open with all this anger. I start asking a million questions about why they bought what they did. Their explanation actually made sense, but I was still hurt that they didn’t consider my preferences. I don’t want to create bad energy since we’re only 24 hours in, so I said, “Okay, no problem,” and handed over my share of the money – but it wasn’t done in a nice way. Then, I go to sit alone, trying to calm down, but I can’t. I keep thinking about how they’ve wronged me, and I feel like I’m about to blow. I don’t want to blow up because I know my mouth can be harsh and could ruin the holiday and our friendship. So, I do this thing where I become very mute and standoffish, segregating myself from everyone else. In my head, I think this is the best thing I can do to avoid turning the place upside down.

In my head, I think I’m being the bigger person by doing this.

We go out to eat, and I’m not really talking. In my head, I’m trying to calm down and act normal, but my brain is telling me, “Why are you still hanging out with them after all this?” Eventually, I start engaging in conversation, but only because the restaurant’s customer service was terrible, so I channeled my anger into something else.

Before we leave, Miss Matchy brings up the issue and says, “Hayley, it’s the way you deliver things. That’s how it comes across,” and that my communication isn’t always as clear as I think it is.

When she said this, I became defensive and tried to justify myself. I blocked everything she said in my head, but on the surface, I just nodded.

The conversation didn’t really go anywhere that day, but we continued the holiday. Every now and then, someone would drop a comment about my communication style, and I’d either entertain it or ignore it.

We didn’t pick the conversation back up until two days ago, after my other friend had left. It was just the two of us, sitting on my bed, talking. She told me she’d really had to work on her patience with me during this holiday and that I lack patience.

Of course, that was a shock to me! As she spoke, I started getting emotional. Don’t ask me why; my period was also due, so I’ll blame it on that. But I refused to let a tear drop.

She told me every time I’d pissed her off during the 8 days we’d been there, including that day. I realised that I had pissed her off by the end of day one, I knew I was wrong about the shopping situation, but I hadn’t been aware that my actions were affecting others. Talk about praying to God for help with my communication skills!

I want to share what I said to Miss Matchy and what was going through my head during that conversation.

I told her I knew I’d blown things out of proportion, and the reason I’d become standoffish was that I don’t know how to control my temper other than by keeping quiet. I’m scared that if I open my mouth, what comes out could be hurtful, and I know I can be insensitive and regret it later. I understood how inconsiderate I’d been because they’d gone out, thought about us going to different activities, and maybe not having enough time for a quick bite, so the shopping reflected that. But at the time, I couldn’t understand that. I said I’d looked at it from their point of view, but did I really? No.

Miss Matchy said I need to be more vocal about my feelings, because when you get used to expressing how you feel, you learn how to manage them and speak in a way that others can understand. But if I bottle things up, I just explode.

I heard what she had to say, and I know I need to work on expressing how I feel. However, I get angry over silly things, and I don’t want to voice those thoughts because later, I realise they weren’t worth getting upset over. For example, everyone knew I was upset about someone taking the last drink, but there were more drinks on the top shelf. It’s silly, isn’t it?

I do lack patience. I thought it had improved, but I think it’s only in certain areas… and heavy on the “certain”! Miss Matchy asked why I couldn’t just wait to discuss things when I got home, instead of messaging in the group chat and then calling. I couldn’t wait because I already had what I wanted to say, and in my mind, if I waited, I’d forget and look stupid.

Thinking about it now, I realise I was just angry because they didn’t do things my way, as I believe my way is the best. It’s embarrassing, but I can’t ignore how I feel. My brain sometimes thinks they need to listen to me because I’ve come back to Ghana after a year and know where to get the best deals, blah, blah, blah. So, do you see why I don’t want to vocalise all the thoughts in my head? They can be very childish, and quite embarrassing. But I don’t know how to deal with them, and the only way I manage is by spending less time with people and keeping to myself. That way, the issues are masked.

I’m really happy that Miss Matchy felt comfortable enough to tell me how she felt, because it means she values our friendship. But I don’t know how to handle it. When I sense someone might bring out this behaviour in me, I avoid them, because I don’t want them to think badly of me. But maybe avoiding these things isn’t helping me. Maybe it’s just suppressing unresolved issues.

Sis, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time, but I wake up every day with a level of anger and stress that could easily push me over the edge. I don’t know how to be a little upset – I just don’t. My “upset level” is standardised. Do you get what I mean? I wonder if I react this way because of how life’s been, or because I see the world like a victim when I’m angry. It feels like the world has wronged me, and now I can’t take it anymore. That’s when I become that stereotypical “angry black woman”, when in fact, I’m just a black woman who doesn’t understand her emotions and how to control her outbursts.

All the advice I give works for me on the less difficult days, but when it’s anger, it doesn’t help. If you notice, I rarely give advice on managing anger because I can’t even manage my own.

But I do need to figure it out. This might be something for my therapist… or should I go to anger management classes? But the thing is, I’m not violent – that’s just not my style.

Sis, I’m at a loss. And I get stressed about it because if I don’t learn how to deal with this, it will affect my friendships, relationships, and when I have kids, I don’t want them to grow up not wanting to be around me. I don’t want history to repeat itself.

So, sis, what do I do?

& I pray and I read my bible and I really do try to apply it to my life but girl I am stuck. I don’t know.

So, what do I do?

help a girl out if you can xx