P.s. I put this quote to boost my sister’s ego a little but she ain’t wiser than the ORIGINAL!
LOL!
Little Sisters Matter TOO!
“That’s the best thing about little sisters: They spend so much time wishing they were elder sisters that in the end they’re far wiser than the elder ones could ever be.”
Anyways…..
Hey Hayley !
Heyyyyy Gurlll!
How you doing ?
Good, now let’s jump straight in.
This one is for the africans, you will understand.
So lets go….
Growing up I really thought that Ghanaians were the most superstitious bunch of Africans but after spending time with Guinea Bissau people I can now confirm that gui gui people wear the crown for superstition.
Do not call my phone, I said what I said.
*Breath*
Growing up there was a lot of values and culture practices that we as children were taught, one of them was Fear. No, I really mean Fear. Anytime you wanted to do something, ‘ Ayyyy I had a dream….’. Here we go again or the classic one, ‘ be careful oooh be careful oooh’. ‘If you don’t do it like this, something will happen to you’. ‘Don’t sweep at night. If someone calls your name at night don’t turn around’. ‘Don’t whistle at night you are calling witches. Ayy don’t go and swim in the ocean, the ocean will take you’. Da biara (everyday) it is don’t do it.
In my family, you were either the child that grew up living in the box or you were the naughty child because when our mother said ‘No’, that was your opportunity to explore. There was no collabo of mixed behaviours on our side.
I’m guessing you guessed what child I was. I was always watching my shoulder and being scared to step out the box because the seed of fear had been planted in me and watered so well. Plus I craved being the GOLDEN child.
Imagine I came from a christian home, you know, so make it make sense. Preaching God’s word when I am miss behaving but crushing my ambitions because of generational fear that has been passed down, KMT. The devil and the ‘what if I fail?’ had more hold over me, than myself. I stayed within the box and waited for my fellow friends or my little sister to try first. If they did it and they were fine, then I would also do it. If you were looking for a classic sheep, I was the one.
But, I ain’t going to lie, there’s a lot of us who are like this we are sheeps and we don’t know it. I bet there’s someone out there reading this saying, ‘talk for yourself sis’.
Read & Don’t screw your face, take a deep breath and just think of how many times you wanted to do something, then turn around and not do it because the ‘what if‘ fear overtakes your courage. It’s not our fault we were taught African fear, when it should have been David’s courage, especially with the way our mother’s be praying at night, splashing holy oil on us. However, it is how we deal with it that is our responsibility.
Who remembers when heelys were popular again? (If I don’t say ‘again’, the women born in the 80’s and early 90’s will feel offended) I think it was around 2005 to 2007. I had been seeing the advert on T.V., so I started pestering my dad for a pair but he was adamant we weren’t going to get them (He was scared we would buss our head open). However, when there’s an uncle there is a way and finally, my uncle got my little sister and I a pair.
We both got a pair at the same time. Both never done nothing like this before, remember this yeah.
Instead of me being the trial and error for the team, nahhh, I made my sister play the human guinea pig. She would fall, I would stand in my corner and say,‘ Get up, you need to do it like this’, *demonstrating the movement with normal trainers on my feet*
When my little sister finally got the hang of it and her falls didn’t look catastrophic, because that’s what I was afraid of was busting my head open, then I slowly tried obviously holding on to every rails at sight but forced my little sister that she couldn’t do that.
It sounds cruel but back then my thought process was she would survive any injury but I wouldn’t. She was the Indiana Jones in the family and I was or I still am the african mum with the wrapper.
My little sister was always a ‘LITTLE’ more courageous than I was, so it was only right that she exercised that title well. Respectfully!
And I exercised the satisfaction of being able to say,’ Yeah, I taught you how to do that’. Something sweet for the ego, innit.
After, I got the hang of heelys. Soon after, I then fell on my back and shattered my coccyx. Could not sit, could not walk properly and couldn’t fart or POO! Being a 7/8 year old, do you know how distressing that was ? because you know a fart a day keeps the Dr’s away.
& you know I was dramatic about it. But after a while I got back on because I would watch my sister fall, scrape her knee and it would bleed but dust it off and continue.
In the area that we grew up in, the Ghanaian aunties used to call my little sister, ‘Jamaican girl’.
You know why?
I tell you why.
My little sister has been a rogue child from young. If she wanna do something or say something, she don’t give a heck who you are or what it is, she is going to say it or do it.
In the Ghanaian community, they didn’t like children who could carry their own. They loved the children that practise this saying to the ‘TEEE’…. ‘ I am big and you ARE small and there’s nothing you can do about it’. (The honourable lines from an honourable woman, Miss Trunchbull)
They loved them kids that would agree knowing damm well it was wrong, yh that wasn’t my sister.
As children, that was the trait I loved about her, when it wasn’t directed at me, of course. She spoke our mind for us, when we couldn’t.
My little sister, I am getting tired of repeating ‘my little sister’, we are going to call her ‘Nut’ or should we call you,’ Babaloo’?. This is for you my little Nutcase.
Nut and I both experienced similar things at home, but for her it made her more confident and for me it made me more timid.
For years the stories of our childhood were just for reminiscing and laughing at our trauma. Not really, soaking in what it has taught us.
I guess when life is doing us, we tend to forget the smallest actions with the biggest lessons and just focus on surviving.
Nut had more adventure as a child than I did because I was a very self-conscious person and got bullied a lot for my weight.
Getting bullied for my weight put me in a position, where I almost treated it like a disability. That is because Ghanaians are fat phobic, more so when you are a young or don’t have children. Everything you do wrong is related to your weight. I’ll use a classic example, you forget to take out the chicken from the freezer, your mum would say,‘If it was Mcdonald’s you wouldn’t forget’. Or when I would be at church the aunties would say,’Ohh maame, it is enough’. *then proceed to grab my arm to signify how big it is for my age*
But at home wasting food was illegal, so tell me?
I was afraid to do anything that was too adventurous or that would put me in the spotlight because if it didn’t go well, people would come for my weight.
Quick maths: African fear+ being Obolo tui (fat person)= Advanced Fear (squared).
However, if you have Ghana’s smallest Solider as a mother, you are not allowed to get bullied by anyone other than her. I think her look on life was that, ‘I am making you strong for the outside world’ or she didn’t see her actions as bullying, you know Africans.
Anyways, during primary school I used to get bullied, and at first I didn’t tell my mum, I hid it from her and did what other kids do, fake being sick. Unfortunately for me, my mum caught up and found out. When she found out she gave me the ‘you need to fight back or I will also beat you when you get home’ talk and then went and spoke to the mother of that child in a nice and British demure way. Obviously, I didn’t grow the balls to fight back straight away and he didn’t have the empathy to back off but my mother was persistent in telling me I needed to stand up for myself (now, how she described standing up for myself I can’t write that but you tell me). Then one day, I think it was the final straw for me and I snapped and fought back. During those times my mum would come and check on me at the primary school gates and I would update her, so I told her. My mum was happy that I stood up for myself but was mad at the fact the boy had hit me with his pack lunch.
*Now everyone, get one fist and the palm of the other hand slap it together*
Ayyy, my mum now said ahh you don’t want the British way, you want the African way, no problem. Disclaimer my mother is an Asante. My mum waited for his mum and I don’t know what she said or did, but, from then on that boy dodged me like a mosquito dodging the kitchen cloth. We laughed at home about it for months. After that, if you came for my weight I would come for you, HARD! With my words only… ‘obviously’.
Slowly, people stopped, well people in the UK.
I now had the confidence to fight back If you came for my weight. So in secondary school, I don’t remember if I got bullied for my weight or if at the point those words meant nothing to me.
But I will tell you when the word ‘fat’ or anything around it started to bother me again. It started to bother me after I was raped. A month after he abused my body, I had my last verbal encounter with him and that evening was just full of fear. It was also the night that I realised that I had some wicked friends (Yusuf), if I could swear I really would because right now I don’t have the right words in the dictionary to describe how wicked they were.
Judas called me every name under the sun, he called me ‘FAT’ and ugly. It was the ‘FAT’ that stuck to me, it brought back and heightened those feelings that I had as a child, as well as my insecurities around my weight. Him calling me ‘ugly’ did not hold any weight because I was never ugly, I dress badly most of the time, 100%, but ugly, NEVERR!
His words really did a number on me. I went through phases of being confident in my weight or being ignorant about it. It really affected me in a lot of ways. Though he totally destroyed who I was then, he wasn’t the one who set the foundation of insecurities. This had been set as a child, through the bullying, African fear and the unhealthy relationship with practically everything, including food.
The combination of everything just messed with me. I went through phases of taking pills to loose weight, vigorous fasting, trying to make myself vomit after eating, over exercising and wearing tight corsets (lock off your breath tight).
My thought process was if I lost weight that I would have; better friends, people appreciating me, an actual love life, happiness, lots of activities to do and better sex.
Yes, when I lost the weight and people noticed, I felt good but it didn’t improve any of the above.
Going back to the ‘ A fafanto’ blog. Remember, when I stated that I liked the attention I got after my break up. Well some of it stems from feeling less than in society because of my weight, so you understand that attention was like ,‘ Woow, I am one of the 10’s, oooh that’s nice’.
Then I would have a bad day and then put all the weight back on, plus some.
In fact because of being an ‘Obolo’ (fat), I moved a certain way in life. My thoughts were, ‘ I can’t be fat and a failure’. I treated my weight like a disability and that it can’t leave.
I took calculated risks that others have taken. For example, as a child I always wanted to do something in healthcare because I knew that in this world you always needed a nurse, midwife or a doctor. It was a forever job wherever you went, employees are looking for you harder than you are looking for them. & what pushed me more into the health route is my own community, trust me go into a hospital and ask how many Ghanaians are working there and let me know, that alone will give you clarity. Don’t get me wrong, I have always had the passion to advocate for women and I am the 1st daughter, so caring for people runs through my blood.
But I know I played it safe because I knew if I tried a different career my image would play a part. And don’t tell me it wouldn’t because let’s all remember the programme,’Ugly Betty’.
Look how hard she got it and how much she had to work to get noticed in a respectable way. Yes, it’s a programme but it also represented how society portrays people who are not deemed ‘beautiful’ in the work place.
So growing up I was clued up on things. I had to have my life mapped out, there was no room for big mistakes because I was a ‘Fat’ Black girl, who was raped and came from a broken home. Like I didn’t have room to add anymore depressing things to the list. The African fear installed in me also made sure that my steps were guaranteed. I completed everything except from getting married to my first love and having 2 kids by the age of 22, LOOOL. I even thought by 20 we would have a big house, clearly delulu and didn’t factor in the UK economy. But understand this besides my personal life struggles, life was actually mapped out I went to secondary school, got decent grades, went to sixth form did BTEC, finished university, got a job, started working, then what? Pay bills and live pay check to pay check. Everything was already set out for me I knew what I was doing and could see the finish line. But what I wasn’t prepared for was stagnation, paying bills and not actually enjoying life. I worked hard thinking once I had something for myself I could be happy, wrong! I was chasing happiness but my PTSD was chasing me faster. I felt like a robot, nah I actually felt like the actors they pay to make a crowd.
When I was finally fed up of being fed up and miserable, basically after a few years.
What did I do? I went down memory lane and looked at every time I wanted to do something fun or out of the box and I brainstormed why I did not do or why I did not complete it.
Obviously, the list was to the end of Jerusalem but the biggest one were the one that I have been bashing on about which is Fear. Yes, weight as well but if you break that down it goes back to fear, the same as trauma.
You know when you are trying to better your life, you start thinking of what to do. Me, I was thinking of the people around me, who are confident unapologetically in the way I am aspiring to be. I try to put myself in their shoes and just observe their movements. I did not have to look far because why should I when Nutcase is around.
We both grew up in the same household but she had seemed to grasp, and I am still learning the concept of, is self love, respect and boundaries. As I started working on those areas, it started to change my thought process around my weight, it was no longer wanting to loose weight for the world but more of I want to be healthy to live longer and be able to get up from the floor. It doesn’t matter what other peoples’ perception of me are, it’s my opinion that counts. Actually, by focusing on these areas I have learnt that although, it is fun to go out with friends. I have enjoyed taking myself out and it has helped with my confidence, as well as exploring new adventures.
Now, I am not going to say I am fully transformed and I am perfect all round. No, I am not and I still struggle, especially with things that I mentioned above surrounding relationships and sometimes my insecurities like to try and knock on my door. I guess, I have to keep reminding myself that I am only human and some things are going to take me rebuilding a new foundation.
As I am rebuilding my foundation and myself, I will not be living in a small box spiritually. Like God created this world and it is beautiful and he created me without any fear, where I got it from wasn’t my fault but how I deal with it, is. He has given me the ability to do everything I can through his power so why should I just do what is comfortable. I have faith that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Like, I am trying to break barriers and perceptions in my family that stops us from reaching the stars. And it is not enough to say it, I need to do it, I need to do what others around me dare not to do.
Like every time I think of giving up. I pray and I listen to David Goggins podcast on Spotify.
Do you guys know David Goggins? He is a crazy man and why I say that is because he was told he would never make it as a Navy seal because of his weight. My man basically said, I am going to show you I can do more than just get into the Navy. Sis, he went on to accomplishing things he was told he could never do, plus more. As in David Goggins has ran over 3100 miles without taking any days off. Go search it up and the question you will ask yourself is how?
Sis, God says what is impossible doesn’t exist.
David Goggins says he had a rocky start to life but that didn’t stop him, so why should it stop me or YOU!
So, be blessed sis and I will see you again for our next blog xxxx
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